Dealing with Depressive Episodes

I suffer from Bi-polar disorder and that makes it pretty hard to be a parent. Unfortunately I also have PTSD which means I have a lot more triggers than most Bi-polar diagnosed mothers. Having BP and learning how to manage your own life is so very difficult, when you throw children in to the mix it makes everything twice as difficult and damn near impossible. Some of the things you have to worry about is being thrown into depressive episodes.

I have a really hard time with my kids going from house to house. I worry, consistently, about them, and about myself. It’s hard enough to be an adult pay bills be married managing your relationship with your spouse and relationship with your children. Let’s be honest we all love our children immensely and want to see them succeed as tiny humans. Being in charge of that small humans upbringing is so stressful and can make things super hard for every parent but can be multiplied for parents with a mental illness.

This throws me into depressive episodes often. I feel a lot of guilt for taking care of myself. A lot of guilt for not taking care of myself. I get upset often I cry a lot in front of my kids which makes me feel worse. I get thrown into the pit of depression quite often because of this parental guilt. It’s damn near impossible to crawl out of it unscathed without a solid support system. One thing to remember is your children are not your support system, they should never have to take on the responsibility of taking care of or worrying about your emotional stability. Also remember they are not the reason for your illness for your depression or for your manicness (totally not a word). The way I think during my depression is so self-loathing is completely ridiculous and unfounded. Nonetheless even though you can identify these things it’s hard to deal with it in the throws of these depressive moods.

One thing that always gets me is when I am manic I decide to stop taking my pills! Always! I literally never learn at least 6 times a year I go off my meds for a few weeks then go into a deep depression. Never fails and I never learn. One day I hope to manage myself better and run my house better. I always want my kids to know I love them and I am happy to be their mom, I am excited for their successes. I want to get better for them and will continue clawing and fighting while being dragged through depression. I will continue to fight for my family.

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