All through my life I have had problem with fertility. I was lucky enough to have two beautiful children that I wouldn’t change for the world. Nonetheless when I was in my youth I put myself in precarious situations that would lead me to my body being permanently scared. This has lead to multiple first trimester miscarriages and even second trimester miscarriages. These events rocked me to the core and changed my life forever. Constant guilt flooded me over and over again when I had my daughter I was so excited and throughout my pregnancy I had done everything right 100% to the T and still had complications, and was put on bed rest for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy and my daughter was still four weeks premature. Luckily she was able to fight through well and was able to go home with us but only on a billy blanket for 2 weeks. With my second he was 3 weeks early and in perfect health but I had spotting bleeding and tons of other health conditions through my pregnancy. I have been so lucky receiving my happy healthy little ones but before that it hasn’t been the greatest. I had my first miscarriage at a very young age (still in my teens) it destroyed me I was never ever the same after. Not to mention all the teenage hormones and normal teen problems. I have had times where I have been sexually abused and exploited and had been forced to take the morning after pill more than I would have liked. Now I am not exactly sure if it was something I did or if it is something that just has happened to me because of something I have no control over nonetheless I have a large amount of scarring on my uterine lining. This scarring makes it really hard for fertilized eggs to attach and start growing. In total I have had 2 confirmed miscarriages more than 8 weeks and three under 8 weeks. Most of the time I am scared about the way my body acts the spotting then heavy heavy bleeding for weeks. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and wants to make me stop trying to have children. I do not know how to be able to make that decision between loving and having another child with my amazing husband, and my emotional pain of losing another child. I feel like not even my faith is able to prepare me for another loss. I know this isn’t a very helpful and uplifting post but it’s raw and real and I need more people to know they are not alone and it is okay to talk about it. You don’t need to censor yourself. Be honest with those around you. You are loved, you are important, don’t live the guilt by yourself.