Oh wow. This is one of the hardest four days of my life. I love my children so much and tucking them in at night heading to work and not even seeing them for three or four WHOLE days is Torture to me. I am going to warn you now reader beware this is going to be an all over the place random post all about my emotions. Right now I am frustrated angry, and making excuses to cover up what I am really feeling which is PAIN. Searing seething pain deeply rooted in my heart. Every time my kids aren’t around it feels like a black void it’s awful.
Now that I’ve skimmed the top of my emotions let me just say I didn’t fight my ex when he said he wanted 50/50 I didn’t fight him when he wanted that time even though he didn’t have a home and was staying with someone who made up things and told lies about me to anyone with ears. Even people I didn’t know. I didn’t fight him when he decided to live with his best friend and have his best friends wife raise my children. I was still going through so much a new job new living situation new relationships. I didn’t fight I wanted to be fair. Now I feel guilty for not fighting for my children not being more greedy with their time.
Before you start judging me. Which I’m totally open to you must know some back story. My Ex-Husband Divorced me he left me after years of asking for counseling after years of me being under appreciated. After years of him lusting after his ex girlfriends. After working full time being a full time mom doing all the chores, taking the kids to all their appointments dance classes and his families activities. I moved to a place where I knew no one, was able to interact with anyone, except for the people he introduced me to. He alienated me abused my already feeble mental state. Nonetheless, I stayed I worked at it I did everything for years. Then HE divorced me. Went running straight back to his ex girlfriend who surprise surprise rejected him. I was SO upside down and broken I couldn’t see his abuse and now I do.
Now I am mad at myself for letting him scare me and manipulate me into giving him whatever he wanted in the relationship. While I was left with nothing but 50% of my children’s lives. I didn’t see it as a problem at the time but as I look back on it he had never once been alone with those kids for more than 12 hours before we separated. Even now he doesn’t kiss boo boo’s give baths make meals. He grabbed the first woman who was convenient married her and now she is raising my kids, and being used by this manipulative man. (Bless her soul.)
Right there is where the whole problem begins he can’t even get his shit together to raise his kids so he marries another woman to do it for him. For what? To not have to pay child support. It’s sad when I didn’t catch onto it at mediation when he asked the mediator how much time he’d have to have the kids to not HAVE to pay child support. This is something that is so ridiculous to me looking back look how scared I was of him and how brainwashed I was. I hate that version of myself.
Deep breathes. Get past the anger.
Wooh. That was close.
Now that I’ve blown off some smoke. Here’s the bottom line I am afraid for my kids that they are growing up and slowly not loving their own father and he is doing it to himself. He isn’t cherishing them. He isn’t raising them. He is slowly pushing everything about his children away. I just want him to love his children unconditionally. This is what hurts the most, the thought that someone out there can’t give those children the love and attention they deserve.
Please pray for my children. Help them know they are ALWAYS loved.